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Top Chef Recap: I Don't Give a Sh*t About These People

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As the herd thins, we're starting to see more personalities and cooking styles of our Top Chef contestants, which means one thing: More Fabioisms and Stefan hate. Who could resist? Maybe because he's a stronger competitor, but most likely because he's kind of an arrogant bastard, everyone in the house wants to beat Stefan. Stefan, on the other hand, wants to bed (at least kiss) Jamie. The lesbian. Oh yes, it just gets more hilarious from there. This week the chefs had to cater Gail Simons bridal shower, with Pads and a bevvy of Food & Wine beauties at the table, editor-in-cheif Dana Cowin as guest judge, and Tom scaring everyone in the ktichen.

1) No tears for the departed Alex at the top of the episode as he weeped for Richard, instead we have Jamie getting gifts from Stefan who's trying to woo the only lesbian in the house. Why? Because they are the exact same cocky chef, just one's a girl. Jamie: "Come on, does the word lesbian mean anything to you?" No, apparently.

2) Quickfire: It's the ingredient guessing game, everyone's favorite. The twist: They're paired off to compete head-to-head, two at a time. One person has to guess the most ingredients in each sauce, and there's no reason they can't say salt, pepper, water, or oil, which is what most rely on. With the boullabaise Hosea beats Danny, Jeff loses to Ariane by saying the wrong shellfish, the "ass-whipping" (with sound effects) Stefan beats his love Jamie, Eugene loses just by opening his mouth in front of Leah, Fabio loses to Radhika, Carla kicks Melissa. Stefan "I Don't Give a Shit About These People" names eight ingredients in a green curry sauce, and Leah calls him an asshole for winning. It finally gets down to three: Hosea, Carla and Stefan, who have to name ingredients in mole. Hosea wins and gets immunity saying of Stefan, "Not only was it fun beating him, but I out palatted him."

3) The groups draw knives to get into four groups to cater a bridal shower---Old, New, Borrowed and Blue. Radhika would rather be on Satan's team than Stefan's, fyi. The bridal shower, they find out, is for Gail Simmons who doesn't like veal or black beans, and most of the guests will be from Food & Wine magazine.

4) Borrowed: Jamie, Radhika, Ariane. Jamie wants to borrow Indian cuisine from Radhika, but it's all her idea becuase of her secret spice. Blue: Fabio, Leah and Mellisa, but "There's no-a freaking blue food" so they focus on seafood, as in the "deep blue." New: Carla, Danny, Eugene somehow concoct a surf and turf sushi idea. Old: Baldies Hosea, Stefan and pretty boy Jeff focus on heirloom tomatoes.

5) Reason #1 why Team New was going down: "When I think of new, I think of pickled." -- Danny.

6) Favorite Whole Foods Moments: "Hosea? Douche-boy, Hosea? He has immunity. So he's lucky. I'm not playing it safe." -- Stefan at the tomato bin. Total randomness: Carla walking around the store yelling "Hootie" usnure why no one is answering "Hoo."

7) Reason #2 why team New is doneski: tempura shrimp sushi roll with seared filet on top, peach-miso barbecue sauce, yuzu sorbet and apple salad in wonton bowls. Yeah, all together.

8) Most unshocking moment: Stefan has been married and divorced twice. To the same woman. Also, Danny's beard notches. Just wrong.

9) Dinner: Hosea shakes so bad he almost loses the glasses of gazpacho when setting them in front of the ladies. Leah and Melissa make Fabio explain the dish to the ladies because he's Italian, and yes, he turns on the charm. Eugene decides that they should do make-your-own sushi rolls but fails to tell the guests what to do. After stressing out in the kitchen, Ariane's lamb finally gets done and out to the table.

10) Judges Table: Winners are team Borrowed and Old, with Ariane's lamb taking the prize, much to Jamie's dismay ("none of us expected anyone but me to win"). Losers were teams Blue and New, Blue because it tasted like "old people food" and New because it was just a plain mess. Danny refused to believe that the sushi salad surprise was a trainwreck and the New Yorker got the axe. His rationalization at the exit interview: "I do feel like they made the wrong decision, but there’s wrong decisions in football games too." Ah.


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