This Week in Yelp: On Douchebags and Jackasses

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes Eater's newest feature: The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon for a little mini-vacation with a married and thoroughly knocked-up friend of mine. And you know what that means?total slut weekend!!! (Or, um, not).

Seriously, though, the best thing about being friends with a preggo is that annoying dudes totally leave you alone when you are out to dinner with a pregnant woman. The expectant friend is poison to the prowling douchebag, and that's alright with me. Because there is nothing – NOTHING – I hate more, whether single or unavailable, than getting hit on by some sniveling, uninvited frat boy nightmare. So here's to friends who bareback it; they're keeping nights out safe for you and me from jackasses like these.

Case in point?the dude who thinks it's his job to not only "charm" his waitress all night (read: annoy), but also feels the need to canvass the place (in this case, a German restaurant and beer garden) in search of the one girl who is actually drunk enough to not be completely annoyed by his insecure obsession with impressing his friends with his supposedly beer-goggled conquests.

For that get drunk with big beers move.

Loreley is alright if you want to go to a bar with beer, and only beer, don't expect anything unusually great. The music is new radio music, the people are mostly average looking, and the scene isn't bad.

Beers are great here and usually come in huge mugs which means you don't have to worry about going back up to the bar but does mean you will be hitting one of the two unisex bathrooms frequently.

I would suggest getting here with a group of friends since the place really isn't the most inviting for meeting people unless they are shitfaced near the end of the night. Grab your friends and hit a table outside and a hot beer maiden to take care of you all...be prepared to pay import prices which means $15-$17 mugs (Just try to not think about $7-$13 pitchers which you could actually drink out of much like a mug...at the dive bars around the area), but what else did you expect? The only thing that will make that slut in front of you look better are large oversized import beers...trust me.

You will go from "dear god that slut is disgusting" to "Jesus what have I done!?" After about five large beers...now pray that she isn't pregnant, because if she is that means no more beer money for you my friend.

For that “get drunk with big beers move?” Ugh. Listen, I’m fairly certain that the slut in question wishes that after five oversized beers she had just stuck with the weiner schnitzel from Loreley’s menu, as well.

Prefer to be ogled from afar by some creepy old dude? Apparently the 29th Street Café is THE place for college girls and the practically-pedophiles who love them so?

I think this cafe shud be brought down having illegally constructed .It has

a nice feel to it looking like a place where playboys and whores hang

around 24/7.This place sucks since I and my cycle buddies have fell over

our bikes just to see how good the sluts look .The girls in their sluthood

have been found shagging and god bless them for that .Leaving

this aside i think the place is fine for hungry eyes waiting to see some

hot boobs and orgies

Wow. Creepy. Go there for the cheap food and beer, stay for the hungry eyes on your hot boobs. Although I have to admit, “the girls in their sluthood have been found shagging and god bless them for that” is practically poetry. Total new personal motto!

Want to meet a dude who thinks he is prettier than you are? Try The Box?

This place was cool. Dance shows were good, not awesome. They should get the Cirque Du Soleil people and let those fuckers go rampant. That would be a grand show. I'm very good looking and so was the gal I was with- so naturally the doorman knew to let me right in. I mean I'm so good looking and so are my friends that door policy's don't mean shit to me. The people who worked here kinda thought they were to cool. Place will be empty in a few more months once the cool kids stop going and the upper west siders start coming. But that's NYC, hot 1 day, next day, no one wants to know ya!!! So all the people who turned you away will be looking for another job, some will end up at bed bath and beyond, finding me new sheets. Drinks were good but took a while for the bartender to see me, he must have been straight, cause im so good looking that gay gays and female bartenders love me. Sorry I keep mentioning how good looking I am, its just that it matter what you look like and how rich you are in NYC night life. Rich I'm not, but I still like col spaces.

Cool, dude. I wish I was as pretty as you.

Last but not least, FINALLY a dude who understands the true meaning of “slut.” Kung pau chicken!!!

Why you call a woman "Slut"?
The 1st time when I heard the word I was 26 or 27.
I came to US when I was 23.
I didn't learn the word when I was school in Japan.
So, it took me about 3 years to notice the word but I thought the word "Slut" didn't sound that bad to me.
"Slut" sounded like, a nice and easy, slender, cute woman.
I thought "Slut" was a compliment for a woman.

How ignorant I was.

But, also, I thought "Slut" means something spicy, salty and moist, an adjective "Slutty".
like, Slutty Kung Pao Chicken or Slutty Beef Chow Fun.
I thought that sounds pretty good.

Now, I do know how bad "Slut" means.
But I still can not get rid of the feeling that I had when I heard the 1st time.
So, Slut in my dictionary is a bit different.
It means," Bad and Naughty, Lame, Half Ass Crap but addictivly good sometimes."

Just like some Chinese take out combos.

This Rice Garden is equivalent or enemy of Panda Express, but I think a bit better than Panda.
FXXX, It's same difference, isn't it?

Chow mein or Chow fun and Shrimp Fried rice + some shit like Orange Sesame Chicken combo is $5.19 + tax.
I don't know the concept of the Orange Sesame Chicken but the shit is pretty kinky shit but I can't stop getting it.

It's a slutty good shit!

I think it's almost same price at Panda.
But, I like this place better and I don't like Panda.
I think Panda is whore.

"Bitch" sounds bad as slut but "Bitch" seems became slang for a strong, responsible, opinionated, independent woman.
I really do respect those bitches. ( I'm not kidding about this issue.)

I have no idea what it means, either, but I’m suddenly in the mood for something spicy, salty and moist. Oh, and Panda IS a whore. Huh?

—Amy Blair