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The Week in Yelp: The Strange World of Yelp Fetishes

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From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

2008_01_yelp.jpgSo, there is this man who has Downs Syndrome who works in the mailroom in my office. He is a very nice man, but lately I began to wonder why he was asking me to sign for an inordinate amount of my coworkers’ packages. Then, a few days ago the receptionist let me in on a little office gossip; the mailroom guy has a not-so-secret foot fetish, and I happen to wear a lot of sandals. I didn’t want to believe it was true and was afraid that she was just making fun of him. But when questioned, everyone nonchalantly agreed that his fetish was public knowledge, and that they all were aware that I was his most recent target for foot affection. Now when I pass him in the hallway, I can’t help but be aware of the hungry look in his eyes as he stares at my tootsies, or the random lingering around my desk, his eyes glued to my feet. But what I can’t decide is whether I should indulge the poor guy’s harmless fantasy with more exposed footwear, or should I hide the coveted feet in shamed orthopedic-type shoes, because, quite frankly, who wants to be the object of someone else’s fetish AT WORK? You’re trying to, like, create a spreadsheet, and some pervy dude is all drooling on your feet. Not cool!

All this fetish talk leads me to declare that it is Fetish Week over on Yelp (because, you know, I have the power to do that, and stuff). Shall we dive right into some of the more idiotic “fetishes” the Yelpers claim to have?

First up, a shocking account of the otherwise dignified Lionel, in which he is scandalously outted as the “fried chicken fetish poultry maniac” he truly is?

No joke i drove by Pioneer chicken at least a thousand times a few years ago before i realized, "Oh Shoot, thats Pioneer chicken...!" hahahahahaha. Once i realized what it was, i ate there, and remembered all my Pioneer memories. The chicken strips were awesome as a kid, and surpisingly the taste had not changed. The only thing is that since theyre no longer a corporate franchise, theyve added alot of after-market goodies that arent good at all.

I agree with Omar, stick to their original stuff, spicy rice, fried chicken (pieces or strips). everything else sucks.

I remember a few years back when i mentioned to my friend Lionel that i was going to Pioneer chicken, his eyes Widened like an owl, he licked his lips, and started twinkling his fingers like a fried chicken fetish poultry maniac. He said, "Pioneer, did u say Pioneer, like the chicken right....? oh man oh man, you can eat the skin alone..... i want some..!"

i looked at him and said, "damn, if you like it that much, i'll bring you some...!!"

thats when i knew, their chicken was Evil in ways that only a sinful tongue can truly appreciate.

I love it...!!!!

Evil in ways that only a sinful tongue can truly appreciate?in bed! Err, or something like that.

Anyway, next up is Mazinga Z, where to go if your fetish is for “underaged Korean FOB/FOB wannabes.” And yes, I had to google that to figure out what it meant. (If you’re as dumb as me, it means “Fresh Off the Boat”). Good to know.

This place has old Korean comic books as wallpaper. It gets really smoky and crazy here. Once I came here and there were these drunken 14 year old girls and boys with cigs hangin out of their kim chi flavored lips pouring glasses of boricha on each other. It was a wet t-shirt contest for free.

Anyway, your typical over priced drinking place with the novelty of comic book names

* The "Sailor Moon" which is the fruit platter costs $25. WTF. What kind of fruits are we talking about here!

*Cheese Corn- thinking canned cream corn with heavy cream and lots of sugar. $8

* Sweet n Sour Beef- It had orange chunks in it. Is this considered "fusion cuisine" so they charge $10 for it?

*Kim Chi Bok Kum Bap- not good.

So unless you have a fetish for underaged Korean FOB/FOB wannabes, come here. Or else... go somewhere more sophisiticated and snobby... like Pinkberry for eye candy.

Thank god, finally a good reason for why Pinkberry exists?it’s a good place to go if your fetishes are more sophisticated than, say, oh, CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. Sheesh.

Next, a breakfast joint that serves up French toast, orgies, kinky fetishes and something called?pooh butter? Sexy!

Do you like food?
Do you like piles and piles of food?
Do you like French? And Toast?

Go see Madame Kate. Tell her your kinky fetish. She will hook you up.

Mmmmmm. . . The French Toast Orgy here is somethin' special: 8 triangles of french toast, stacked up and loaded with fresh fruit and yogurt and granola. And HUGE! The waiter claimed he broke a sweat just carrying it over to me last time. (Hmpf, and I thought it was my sultry, barely brushed hair, sloppily clothed hangover look that was getting him all hot and bothered.)

Of secondary importance are the following:

OJ is good, coffee average, hush puppies with pooh butter are unique & good, daily special omelettes are excellent.

But, although I am typically a savory breakfast consumer, I find it hard to pass up the fascinating sweet sweet orgy here.

Minus 2 stars for the sometimes long wait (for sure on weekends), the cash only policy, and the occasional lack of fresh ingredients (could definitely taste "refrigerator smell" in my potatoes the last time I was there).

Honey, most people who visit someone named “Madame Kate” to tell her their kinky fetishes are expecting to get something just a tad bit more exciting than some fuckin’ French toast (yay, 40-Year Old Virgin references!). Sorry, sister, but yogurt and granola do not the orgy-in-your-mouth make. Duh.

And last but not least, a severe fetish for faux meat. Well, you know, like mama used to say, live and let live?

YELP CLICHE ALERT: I really wanted to like Enjoy Vegetarian due to my severe fetish for faux meat and "chinese food", but can't muster up too much enthusiasm for Enjoy. It was a good meal, but there's nothing I can really remember about it and I don't see myself returning given the plethora of good choices in the neighborhood, but you know if you can't get to Layonna's or Golden Era or Mekong (the holy trinity of fake meat asian food in SF), I guess there's this. The fourth star was for the fantastic sweet service (which Megan W. details in her review) as well as the weird agar agar dessert with red bean paste they gave us. That was awesome.
Wait, so are you telling me that this whole fetish thing is nothing more than a “Yelp cliché?” Seriously, I know I have asked this before, but really. What the hell is wrong with you people?

—Amy Blair

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