The Week in Yelp: Tossing out Softball Suggestions

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

One thing that I love about recreational softball leagues is beer. I also like it when your British teammate finally gets a hit for the first time all season and then runs towards third base instead of first (those wacky limeys!). Another good thing is when your (American) teammate pegs a runner on the opposing team in the back with a softball as the runner slides into home, as opposed to, say, throwing it to the catcher to make a play. It’s also funny when your right fielder falls in the outfield and gets dog poop all over her uniform. Or when your shortstop has a hole in the seat of his sweatpants all game, and nobody tells him. I love my softball team! We may have won approximately three games in the past six years, but we are scrappy and full of spirit, and everyone knows that is what is truly important in athletic competitions. Oh, and beer is a very good thing. Ahem.

And now for the best places to hang out after your next softball game?but don’t blame me if you don't like these suggesions. It’s Yelp, after all.

First up, if you are a guy who is a guy and you want to slurp on a rice pudding thing drink while you are watching the bowl, andalay?

ANDALAY TO POQUITO MAS!!!!

the BEST place to go with the guys to chow down their platters of nachos and burritos after a game of softball.

every wednesday me and the guys come here order almost everything off the menu help ourselves to their salsa bar and slurp on their amazing rice pudding thing drinks.! 5 stars all the way to home run baby.

any guy whos a guy knows what i am talking about. this is the kind of food you want watching the bowl, sneak into the movie theaters all the time anytime of day. can i hear an andalay!?!?

5 stars all the way to home run baby for the kind of food you want to sneak into the movie theaters all the time anytime of day, and also for punctuation, which tends to be helpful in things like restaurant reviews. Sigh.

Next up, a one-act play centered around a couple of guys playing softball, then eating wings. Hilarity ensues. Enjoy, if you can make it through this entire shit-filet of a review without gouging your eyeballs out.

So NY softball season officially began yesterday, and our first game was in the UWS at Morningside Park. Unfortunately, the team we were scheduled to play forfeited and didn't show up, pricks...As our team congregated on the field, we decided to suit up and use the field for practice since we paid our league fees and all. So we take the field...

Teammate (Center-Fielder): "Hey Euge, haha isn't this the field where you ran into the lightpole trying to catch that homerun?"
Me (Left Fielder): "Yup, that shit hurt".

[1.5 hr later]
Who wants to eat? What's around here? Dude, I'm sick of Blondie's. We haven't had Bro J's in awhile. Did you just say Blow J? No, Bro J's! Oh sounded like Blow J. Where's it at again? Teammates began to race on their I-Phone, Treo, and Blackberry to see who could get the directions first. 81st and Amsterdam. Cool, let's go.

It turns out that our team has never been to Brother Jimmy's West because most of our games are in Harlem or UES. We arrive and are nicely greeted by the staff of waitresses and get a nice large private dugout booth with one LCD TV to the right showing the Yankees/Rays game and one LCD to the left showing the Red Sox/Indians game.

Monday nights are $15.95 all-you-can-eat Wings/Riblets and Beer (Coors Light, Bud Light, Budweiser). Since I got there first with a few teammates, we knew we were going to get the "special". As more and more teammates came inside, our great waitress, Ashley, asked if they were going to get the special as well.

Teammates 1,2,3,4,5,6,7: "What's the special?"
Me: "All-you-can-eat Wings/Riblets and Beer" x 7 times

To save her the trouble, I must've explained the details of the special to everyone who came after us. Ashley got a kick out if and was amused.

[After 6-10 pitchers of beer and food]
Japanese teammate (Shortstop): "Dude! You gotta get Ramen at Ippudo on 4th Ave. Best Ramen in the city. I had to freakin wait 1hr and pay $13, but it's the best".
Me: "Wait, how do you spell? Wait, wait, go slower. Spell it again?"

[...after a few more pitchers of beer]
Me (Left Fielder): "Dude, howcome kids in Japan or Taiwan or Asia can all throw in the 90mph range and be in the big leagues, and we look just like them but can't.
Japanese teammates: "Cause, it's like a well-trained institution over there once they're born. Why do you think they make it to the little league World Series every year?"

Me: "If I marry a girl that punches hard or throws a ball hard, will my son genetically be able to throw 95mph? Cause I can throw about 75-80mph".
Teammate: (Third Baseman): "Euge, I don't think you want a wife that punches hard. She might punch you hard in the face if you came home late one night".
Whole team: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Center Fielder: "Dude, the riblets are more chunkier and taste better at this Bro J's".
Whole team: "Yeah! They taste better here."

Soon, our attentive and super fast waitress comes back to our table with a whistle necklace around her neck.

Center Fielder: "What's the whistle for?" (sarcastically)
Me: "Fish Bowl time!"
Ashley: "Seriously, do you want an application? We have a top for you in the back".
Whole team: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

After chugging down with our colorful straws from the fruity fish bowl of liquor of all dudes, our Pitcher was like. I'mma get some dessert. Hmmm...Good idea, we never had dessert at Brother Jimmy's. We get the Key Lime Pie, Mississippi Mud Pie, and Apple Crumb Pie.

Whole team: "Damn, dessert is pretty good here. Who would've knew."
Center Fielder: "It's catered".
Right Fielder: "Damn, Debbie Downer".
Whole team: HAHAHAHA

Softball, Beer, Wings, Riblets, Colorful Straws, Fruity Fish Bowl, and dudes sharing dessert. What the hair are we doing? Way to start the season...

So one of my favorite parts is when he asks how come kids in Japan or Taiwan OR ASIA can throw 90mph?as though Japan and Taiwan are separate from Asia, and as though everyone in the entire continent can throw 90mph fastballs. It’s also funny when the whole team goes HAHAHAHAHAHA when nothing funny happened. Also, a great sentence is “After chugging down with our colorful straws from the fruity fish bowl of liquor of all dudes, our Pitcher was like.” That’s a beautiful thing right there.

Moving on. Next, a sweet and nostalgic softball-inspired review that rapidly descends into?well, you’ll see?

this place has more of a nostalgic value to me, aside from having tasty tasty sandwiches! my dad used to take me there when i was a young lad. we'd get a few sandwiches and then we'd go to his softball game. i'd sit there and watch him play, with my coke and delicious freddie's sandwich in hand.

mmm... i love sandwiches. especially, salami sandwiches. freddie's also makes their own special soft rolls. my dad loves the macaroni salad there.

i think on a saturday afternoon, we can spend about $50 on sandwiches alone. did i say how much i love sandwiches? the poorboy there are pretty spiffy as well.

it's like a family tradition that my father has passed on to me. he's been going there since he was a kid, then took me there when i was young, so i guess it's only right that i take my son there someday to enjoy what i would define as a little slice of heaven... freddie's sandwiches.

now there is only one thing left, to find a wife.

Oh, poor little dude! All he wants out of life is to find a woman to share his little slice of heaven with him?a salami sandwich from Freddie’s. So simple! So sad. Although, does anyone else kind of think that his whole “I just love my dad and salami sandwiches and I just need to find a wife” pathetic gimmick is just him trawling for dates on Yelp? ‘Cause I kinda think so.

And last up, it’s assholes like this broad and her Creighton's Bakery Javalanche and her little barky dog who ruin softball for all the rest of us?

yahoo yee-ha whoopee-dee-do ! I can slurp up a Javalanche not more than 5 minutes from my home. the doggy can take a crap on the softball field up yonder and I can indulge in a bit of cold sweet caffeinated luxury. the baked goods look so-so. I'd rather drink my calories sometimes, if you know what I mean

Oh come on lady! You let your dog take a crap on the softball field up yonder? You’re the reason why my poor right fielder wound up with poop all over her jersey, with your “caffeinated luxury” and not a care in the world for all the softball players who are going to be digging your dog’s doodoo out of their cleats later on that night. Yahoo yee-ha whoopee-dee-do, indeed.

Bitch.

—Amy Blair