The Week in Yelp: A Day in the Life of the 'Elite' Yelpers

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

So, apparently Yelp hosts events for their "elite" members. I've been aware of this for awhile, but have avoided writing about it because the idea of an elite Yelper in and of itself frightens (and bores) me, so the super-nerd get-togethers were less than appealing. However, from a purely scientific standpoint (heh), these elite events really bring out the Junior Psychiatrist within me, so here we go. Anyway, I'm not entirely positive what qualifies someone as "elite," but I'm fairly certain that Yelpers must write a certain, prolific amount of stupid reviews in order to reach this, um, vaunted status. As such, they are invited to dumb publicity events for corny venues where they can all meet each other and provide cheap advertising for the location in question on Yelp the next day. (The bar or restaurant gives them free sushi and crappy drinks courtesy of some unknown brand of alcohol for an hour or two, and in return they flood Yelp with high praise). Everyone's happy!

This week we’re taking a look at a recent elite event held at the newly opened Four Seasons Hotel in Silicon Valley. There seems to have been a poolside bikini fashion show (cool!), free hand massages, and mingling Yelpers. As the reviewer below notes, Yelp was a true “dream accomplisher.” Oh, lord.

HOT
SUPER UBER FIERCE!
SEXY

and yes...
FABULOSITY

Thanks to the ladies of yelp, Connie, Jessica T, and Nicole for an amazing wrinkle in time. Who knew I would be living one of my favorites scene straight out of SATC. Thanks yelp, you are a dream accomplisher! Four Seasons staff an venue was amazing...I loved them both and can't wait to book a room or come back for lunch!

Yelp Goal accomplished.

And there you have it. A little free sushi certainly goes a long way (case in point, this lady seems to think that she was living one of her favorite scenes from Sex and The City, and now she can’t wait to book a room or come back for lunch). Also, if I ever use the words “super uber fierce” and/or “fabulosity” just punch me in the face. Really. I mean it.

Next up, a reviewer asks the burning question “what’s hotter than wet dripping Yelpers?” Which, you know, kinda makes me want to barf.

A hot Connie...

A Yelp Star appearance from Nish!

An always red-flaming hot Jessica...

Hot models, hot lil' mini burgers, sushi bar, delicious drinks all in a intimate setting that is the Four Season's. Great venue! Everything was set up and executed wonderfully from the food to the drink section. Yelpers mingled and went from one another to another.

Now where were the bikini and board short wearing Yelpers? I wanted to see some Yelper flesh! I saw the sexy models in hot swimsuit from Charmosa, but I want to see Yelper flesh! What's hotter than wet dripping Yelpers?

Wonderful event executed by Connie and the Yelp Staff! Thank you for the sexy and hot event!

How one manages to write a one hundred-word review that includes both the phrases “I wanted to see some Yelper flesh!,” and “but I want to see Yelper flesh!” is kind of beyond me. And really, wet dripping Yelper flesh? Do not want!!!

Next we shall learn about something called a “kissiberry” and the ever-elusive (to die for!) Elite hoodie?

My 1st Elite Event and it was Fantastic!

The Four Seasons is beautiful! The lighting creates a peaceful and sophisticated ambiance as soon as you walk in. The staff was extremely friendly and provided excellent customer service. The bathroom, was to die for! Ha! I loved the sink!

Food - Yummy & Plentiful. I wish I got to try a slider! But the sushi bar was on point!!

Drinks - Gotta buy me a bottle of Kissui! My fav drink was the kissiberry!

Massage - Wonderful!! Both the back and hand massage....

Everyone was friendly and the atmosphere was great!!

Added bonus was the goodie bag and finally getting my Elite hoodie! Yay! Why was my husband trying to convince me to get an XL so he could wear it! Ha! No way sweetie....this one's mine!

Don’t you just love marketing? It’s all so easy. Give a sheep a hoodie and call them “elite” and suddenly they’re singing the praises of something called?Kissui vodka? “My fav drink was the kissiberry!” It all makes anarchy seem suddenly so?appealing. Sigh.

And finally, if you can take anymore torture, a last review of the event from a woman who chose her outfit between a stomach-churning short dress and a 1960’s “carpet looking” pantsuit. Oh, and she’s really into hugs. Like, a lot.

-thanks "the todd" for the plus one HUGGERS!
-cindi, lab u...thanks for the carpool, did i tell you i lab u?
-parking was ssooo easy, cuz we were on time?
-i was debating what to wear to this event, the short dress i had on that made my stomach churn or this 1960s carpet looking pantsuit
-being mistaken as a wedding dress, WTF?
-the hotel is gorgeous like really
-great venue for this event
-i would say the size was perfect, the amount of guests
-free yelp ish again! i got the new set of buttons for my yelp tote!
-connie, jessica and nicole hotness galore and...thank you
-a few "whoa, you cut your hair!"
-the food was great, enough to go around
-i did not get any of the massages but i heard good things
-the spa bathroom was like whoa.....
-great company
-i got to meet a few more yelpers i harass on the threads yay! HUGGERS!
-so much hotness to go around, wwaaayyy too much
-did i mention photographers galore?
-i took a pic of "the todd's" shoe from his camera
-minus 1 for the yelper in the bathroom who took a look at my shoes and said "they're fake".............don't hate, it's not welcomed here
-"THEY'RE NOT FAKE BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A HUG?"

In summary, the hotel was gorgeous like really, she received some new Yelp buttons for her Yelp tote (are we sensing a theme yet?), the spa bathroom was like whoa, and her fucking shoes are NOT fake. The end.

HUGGERS!

—Amy Blair