The Week in Yelp: Your Yelp Guide to Making Out

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

One thing that is especially useful about Yelp is that many of the bar and restaurant recommendations are based upon the likelihood of your finding some desperate moron to make out with at any given location. This is what truly sets Yelp apart from the competition; you don't see Zagat offering up this type of useful information. And I don't know about you, but I never go to a restaurant for, say, the food or the ambiance?I go to get groped by a twenty-two year old frat boy! Fuck yeah, homies!

Um, so, right. Moving on to the sordid tales of wanton face-sucking, and, you know, other really stupid anecdotes about making out. Good ol' Yelp. It's always so helpful.

First up, Shalel Lounge and a gimp chamber, periodic hand checks and A LEGIT MAKE OUT ROOM!!!!!!!!!

Think gimp chamber with Pier 1 accents. No, seriously. Over priced drinks, but the ambiance is pretty cool and there's a legit make out room. Decent moroccan hors d' oeurvres. Watch where you sit down, though, kids...periodic hand checks are highly recommended.

Ok, so when I was in middle school we used to have parties in which there was something called The Make Out Room and The Love Doctor. You would go into The Make Out Room (usually a room in someone’s basement) with a partner and The Love Doctor (whose duty it was to time how many minutes you kissed with a stopwatch). I would like to point out that I was TWELVE. I’m going to guess that the person who wrote this review was a wee bit older than that. Which really, truly disturbs me. A legit make out room? Is there pizza and birthday cake, too?

And as if the make out room wasn’t icky enough, now there’s something called a make out station??

This is a very good place to make out and listen in on complete strangers' conversations. Did I mention it's very very red? Seriously. This makeout station is the size of my bathroom and every square inch is dripping in red. Luckily, I like the color red. And I really like to make out. So Red Room's ok with me.
If you are claustrophobic or red's really not your color, this is probably not the place for you.
If you don't like to make out, then you shouldn't come here with me.
Drinks are strong and those in attendance don't appear to be of any particular type: last night, there was a clown with a mullet and short-sleeve button down hitting on what was clearly a midwestern tourist, a group of stoned 20-something skaters, and some striped-shirt marina strays.
If you feel like hiding from the world, this is a good place to get lost. And makeout.

This place is a make out?station? That just reminds me of somewhere you would take Judy Jetson, for some reason. Seriously though, people, haven’t you ever heard of?your bedroom?

Anyway, had enough of “good” places to make out? How about a nice place to ogle two teenagers rounding second base at a coffee shop?

I have been here once. I was there from about 10 am to 11:15. The "worker" had his girlfriend hanging around. When they thought I or the other customer wasn't watching they would lie on the couch...in the dining area..and make out! He actually put his hand under her shirt while I was yards away.

The coffee was okay. The wifi was free. It just had a slimy feel to the whole place. I had planned on ordering something to eat but did not want to order it from the guy who just felt out his girlfriend.

So if you want free wifi it might we wiling to put up with the rest but if you want nice atmosphere and decent staff then I wouldn't bother going to this cafe.

Wouldn’t bother going to this café?!? When you get to watch two teenagers practically doing it FREE OF CHARGE with your coffee and muffin? There are a lot of people who would pay good money for such a show. (And those people are called “perverts.” And should probably be in jail).

Moving on! Ever liked a pub so much that you would totally make out with it if it were a human? No? Yeah, me neither. Ahem.

dear 4th avenue pub,

if you were a human (..or r0b0t), i'd probably hook up with you.
i think you're a handsome bachelor; i want to make love with you.
my friends all think you're fab-- but not right for me. that's okay, though.
we can make it work... i'm a classy broad, you're a chill dude.
i can bring chimichangas and milkshakes from next door...
you don't even care that i snicker at your offering of pop corn.
you oblige and respect that i need my chimichanga.
you light up the garden for me with cute lights,
you set up tables with metal chairs and benches.
lots of good quality beer on tap; my friends think you're brilliant.
i don't like zee beers, but you offer me a sparkly/bubbly raspberry beer.
i'm falling in love with you.
let's go make out.

love, love.
- Joolzie.

What’s the earmark of a high quality nightlife review? Regarding a tavern: “i think you’re a handsome bachelor, I want to make love with you.” That pretty much sums it up right there [Ed. note: also, "Joolzie"]. Wanna go?

And last but not least, just to bring things full circle?how NOT to find someone with whom to make out?

One of the best sandwich spots in the city. The best in the Mission that I have found (aside from Tortas in some taquerias, I don't count those).

The breads are top notch. The meats are good too. They have some crazy sandwich combos. They have some 'pesto spread' that goes on the sandwich. They will toast any sandwich.

There is nothing not to love... wait... yea. there. is.

I hate pickles. I use to see a chick that loved them... in fact.... they all loved pickles. I will not make out with you with in 20 minutes of you eating a pickle. I really don't care how pretty you are.... I mean... hot... I only make out with hot chicks.

Sorry Mr. Pickles, you lose a star for that gigantic pickle outside that just looks to me like: FAILURE.

Hint: If you want someone to make out with you, sure, maybe a trip to the red make out space station, or whatever, might help. But start insisting that you only make out with hot chicks and start restricting their pickle-eating habits, and forget it. You might as well go make out with a tavern.

—Amy Blair