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An Excerpt From The Document: M. Voltaggio To-Do List/Business Expansion Plan v.4

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Welcome to Inside The Stoves by Jason Kessler. Each week Kessler will look deep within the soul of food media and come out with fake excerpts from fake books that are absolutely, positively not real. Basically, it's foodie fan fiction.

August 2011
Open ink.sack without anyone knowing. Charge incredibly low prices for three-inch sandwiches. Collect money from Bryan for winning bet on how many times you can make LA foodiots say “sack.”

September 2011
Open ink. Call Bryan to rub it in his face. Don’t tell Mike Isabella or he’ll camp out on your couch again for three weeks. Get a tattoo of four really badass stars when the inevitable LA Times four-star review comes out. Text Mike Ovitz and let him know that the location isn’t cursed, but he is.

November 2011
Review plans for, LA’s first edible book store. Figure out how to make sustainable rice paper with squid ink. Hire somebody who reads a lot.

[Photo: Flickr/MyLastBite]

December 2011
Open Surprise people (bloggers) with adjacent laundromat: ink.stain. Make ink.stain the coolest laundromat in Silverlake by making edible soap spherifications. Call Bryan and ask if he can help with your laundry.

March 2012
Close ink.sack. Open ink.sack.sack. Charge the same amount, but cut sandwiches down to one square inch. Kick Mike Isabella off your couch.

June 2012
Open first restaurant in India. Call it New Deli. Serve house-cured lamb pastrami with cole dickinson slaw. Start planning India’s first churrascaria. If anyone can make Indians like beef, it’s you.

July 2012
Open ink.well, LA’s first heritage-variety water well on Melrose Place. Make bank by charging rich foodiots to fetch their own water.

September 2012
Celebrate first year of ink. by closing ink. and opening ink.sack.sack.sack: same prices, invisible sandwiches. Take a nap.
·All Inside The Stoves Coverage [~ELA~]
— Jason Kessler

*Jason Kessler writes The Nitpicker column for as well as "Heart Attack" for He also writes things for television.